cutthroatpixie | Fic: They're So Unusual

Title: They're So Unusual
Fandom: House MD
Pairing: House/Wilson/Amber
Word Count: 1,400
Rating: R
Note: Written for

thyroidstorm , who said UHH WILSON/AMBER/HOUSE SILLINESS. Got the idea from

cindy_lou_who8 , because she is a horrible person who puts horrible thoughts in my head. =P Also, I had to ignore some of the properties of jizz in the name of lulz, so fucking deal with it, okay.

House was slightly drunk, slightly lonely, and more than a little bored. Not the best circumstances for coming up with a brilliant beyond all belief idea, but that is what he thought he had done, and so he was carrying out his plan as best he could with with a mind full of inebriation and a hand around his cock.

His own hand, unfortunately.

Earlier, he'd been overcome with the need to play some sort of prank on Wilson. Not because he missed him, oh no (definitely no, not that at all), but because he missed messing with him. It was much easier to do so when Wilson lived with him, or when Wilson spent every waking (and some sleeping) moment with him, but he could, and would, still do it.

He'd gone to Wilson and Amber's apartment earlier, when they weren't home, and stolen Wilson's conditioner. It was almost empty, so he stole Wilson's spare bottle, instead (honestly, who kept a spare bottle of conditioner?). Wouldn't want Wilson noticing anything amiss, after all. He knew he wanted to put something in it, he just didn't quite know what. He'd considered a few things--molasses, yoghurt, corn syrup, melted chocolate--before the light bulb had gone off and he found there was a better substance, and more... home made sort of material he could so lovingly place into this bottle of pilfered conditioner.

After emptying about half the bottle into his kitchen sink, he sat down on the couch and set to work. After awhile, he emptied himself into the bottle. He closed the bottle and shook it up, making sure everything blended well. 'Doesn't smell too bad,' he said after sniffing the concoction.

The next day, while Wilson and Amber were at work (and he was supposed to be at work), he returned the bottle, hoping that Wilson didn't notice anything wrong with it until after it had already been in his hair.

---

'Hey, Wilson, your hair looks different.' Later that week, House walked into Wilson's office and flopped down on his couch. Wilson looked up from his desk, where he was trying to get some work done.

'Oh yeah?' He ran his fingers through his hair briefly, as if trying to figure out why House had made the statement that he did. 'I guess it feels a little different, too.' He shrugged. 'I've been using the same shampoo and conditioner, so I don't know why.'

House shrugged as well. 'Maybe they changed their formula or something.' He smirked, as if hew knew something Wilson didn't, and Wilson raised an eyebrow.

'Alright then... Maybe.' He eyed House oddly, wondering why House was even talking to him about his hair in the first place.

'Yeah, maybe.' House gave him one last grin before exiting the room.

---

Amber was in the shower, humming softly, washing her hair. Once the suds were washed out, she picked up her bottle of conditioner, frowning at the far too light weight of the bottle. She turned it upside down, over her palm, and squeezed, but nothing came out. She shook it and squeezed some more. Nothing. With an aggravated sigh, she picked up Wilson's bottle of conditioner and started to read the ingredients. She rolled her eyes at the 'organic' labels, and the fact that Wilson's current bottle was coconut scented. It appeared satisfactory, though, so she decided to use it.

She opened the bottle and smelled it. It definitely smelled like coconut, as expected, but there was... something else. She assumed it must have been one of the other ingredients in the mix and poured some into her hand.

What came out appeared to be a mixture of conditioner, and some sort of dried substance. She set the bottle down and made a face. Before washing the conditioner off her hand, she inspected the mix closely. Her eyes widened as she realised what it was, and she quickly got it off her hand.

Once she was done with her shower and dressed, she took the vile bottle of conditioner into the kitchen, where Wilson was, and started dumping it down the sink.

'What are you doing?' Wilson asked.

'This has jizz in it.'

Wilson gaped at Amber as she continued to pour his bottle of very expensive conditioner down the drain. 'What?!'

'I'm thinking House,' she explained. 'Remember a few days ago when we came home and the front door was unlocked?'

'Yes...'

'And half the beer in the fridge was gone, and there was mud in the bathroom?'

Wilson just nodded that time, bringing his hand up to rub the bridge of his nose.

'House was totally here, I told you so.' Amber threw the now empty bottle in the waste bin, and grabbed her keys off the counter.

'I am so going to kill him,' Wilson mumbled.

'I'll drive.'

---

When Amber and Wilson got to House's apartment, Wilson pulled out his key and let them both in. House stood up from the couch, a confused expression on his face, and walked over to them. 'We having a party or something?'

'How did you get into our apartment?' Wilson asked.

House grinned 'So, did the formula of your conditioner get changed after all?'

'You could have just put glue in it or something?' The expression on Wilson's face was so horrified at the thought of what had been in his hair that House couldn't help but burst out laughing. 'Stop that, it isn't funny!'

House held up a hand, still shaking with laughter, and Wilson rolled his eyes and waited for him to calm down. 'What clued you in?'

'He didn't notice,' Amber said. 'I did.'

'You used it, too?'

'No, I didn't, fortunately.'

House shrugged and reached a hand out, running his fingers lightly through Wilson's hair. 'It does feel softer, though.'

'Yes, I'm sure that is why you did that. You thought it would aid in his hair care.' In spite of herself, Amber ran a hand through Wilson's hair as well. 'Hm, you're right.'

'Would you two stop that?!' Wilson stepped away from them both and smoothed his hair. Amber and House shared a look, a very horrifying, very secretive, very making-Wilson-uneasy look, and Wilson knew that bringing Amber along had surely been the worst idea of his life.

'I think we should try something,' Amber said, grabbing Wilson's hand.

'I am going to have to agree.' House held onto Wilson's elbow, and together Amber and House dragged Wilson to House's bedroom.

Wilson put both hands protectively on top of his head. 'You're not going to do what I think you're going to do, are you?'

'Come on, honey, it won't hurt.' Amber kissed Wilson and started unbuttoning his shirt.

Wilson attempted to look to House for help, which was clearly another bad idea, as House was also beginning to disrobe. He signed in defeat, hoping his hair would live through this.

---

After the whole ordeal, House and Amber had pulled Wilson down onto the bed and refused to let Wilson go wash his hair out, something he was very against. Once both of them had fallen asleep (which surprised Wilson, really. Amber and House voluntarily falling asleep in the same bed wasn't exactly a common occurrence), Wilson somehow managed to crawl out of both their embraces and made his way to the shower. He ran his hands through his sticky hair and scowled. House and Amber talked him into some of the most ridiculous things sometimes.

Thirty minutes and four lather-rinse-repeats later, Wilson came back out into the bedroom. He was wondering how he was going to get back into the bed as he had been before, in between House and Amber, but upon returning to the room, Wilson found he didn't have to worry about that. House had rolled over onto his back, and one arm was wrapped around Amber, who was sleeping soundly half way atop the man. Her arm was thrown over House's chest, and when Wilson attempted to move her, she mumbled something and cuddled up even closer to House.

Wilson found his pants, pulled out his camera phone, and took a picture that would most assuredly be used the next time House decided he needed to mess with him again.